Golden Retriever Gunned Down in Shady Massage Parlor During Drunken Altercation

The city of Orlando was left in shock last night as Baxter, a four-year-old golden retriever and member of the community, was tragically gunned down in a seedy strip-mall massage parlor during what witnesses are calling "a dispute over unpaid services and a misunderstanding of proper tipping etiquette."

Baxter, a current member of the Coast Guard, was known for his service, unparalleled drunkeness, and an incredible disdain for illegal immigrants. But despite his stable career, sources say Baxter had been struggling with personal demons in recent years, turning to four lokos and online chat rooms, where he would bark obscene and often racist statements.

Last night, his downward spiral reached its tragic conclusion.

According to witnesses, Baxter arrived at Jade Lotus Tranquility Spa shortly after 2pm, staggering slightly after what experts describe as “a quantity of alcohol no dog should legally be able to consume.”

A masseuse, Lily Chang, claims Baxter was initially charming, wagging his tail enthusiastically and attempting to shake hands with everyone in the building. However, things quickly took a turn when he began rambling about government conspiracies and how “the Coast Guard never got the same respect as the Navy SEALs.” and that "I'm saving lives every single day."

At one point, Baxter allegedly challenged a nearby patron to a wrestling match, stating, “You think you’re tough? I have 2.2 K/D! Come at me, bro!” before falling off a massage table and momentarily passing out.

Tensions escalated when Baxter attempted to tip his masseuse with a single, heavily chewed twenty-dollar bill and three Milk-Bones, which was immediately rejected by Big Tony, the establishment’s self-appointed security guard and a well-known local enforcer. When Big Tony demanded “real money or real consequences,” Baxter reportedly growled, drunkenly stood on his hind legs, and shouted, “I AM A VETERAN, YOU RESPECT ME!” before lunging toward what he mistakenly believed was a patriotic flag but was actually a beaded curtain leading to the back room.

Gunshots rang out.

Witnesses claim Baxter attempted to take cover behind a stack of unsanctioned massage oils, but was struck in the shoulder. As he collapsed to the ground, he reportedly murmured his final words: "Tell my brothers… the tides wait for no dog…"He was pronounced dead at the scene.

Despite his flaws, Baxter will be remembered not as a dog who fell victim to Orlando’s seedy underbelly, but as a dog with a job. A dog who dedicated his life to service, only to be taken down in his prime by an industry that does not offer military discounts. A full military send-off is scheduled for later this week apparently.