Conflict-Free Cuisine: Cow Opens BBQ Joint in Gary, Indiana, Insists There's No Irony

In what economists are calling "a bold exercise in cognitive dissonance," an ambitious Midwestern cow named Clarence has opened a barbecue restaurant in downtown Gary, Indiana, and remains utterly baffled by suggestions that there might be a conflict of interest.

Clarence, a proud Holstein with an entrepreneurial spirit, cut the ceremonial ribbon for "Clarence's Smokehouse and Rib Emporium" last Saturday, flanked by a surprisingly enthusiastic crowd of meat lovers. "I've always dreamed of running a place where folks can gather, enjoy some slow-cooked brisket, and celebrate good food," Clarence stated, cheerfully unaware of the horrified glances exchanged by onlookers.

Customers seemed hesitant as they perused a menu featuring ribeye steaks, smoked brisket, and what Clarence described as "world-famous pulled beef sliders." When asked how he sourced his ingredients, Clarence chuckled. "Oh, don't worry about that! Let's just say I have connections!"

Critics from the agricultural and ethical communities have been quick to weigh in. Dr. Linda Mooseman, a professor of Bovine Studies at Indiana State University, called Clarence's endeavor "an unprecedented case of professional self-sabotage." Meanwhile, members of the local dairy industry praised Clarence for "thinking outside the pasture."But the controversy reached new heights when Clarence unveiled his "Cowboy Special," a sampler platter featuring five different cuts of beef, including something called "Clarence's Personal Pick."

When confronted about the ethical implications of his business model, Clarence remained firm. "Listen, I’m a businessman first and a cow second. There’s no reason I can’t run a top-tier barbecue joint just because I happen to be... you know, in the industry. It's just capitalism, baby!"

Clarence later added, "Besides, it’s not like I knew any of them personally."

Despite public outcry and multiple failed health inspections (due primarily to hay storage in the kitchen), Clarence’s Smokehouse continues to attract adventurous diners and confused philosophers alike.

When asked about his future business plans, Clarence hinted at franchising. "I’m thinking about opening a steakhouse in Texas next. No one seems to have a problem with humans running seafood restaurants, so what’s the big deal?"

For now, Clarence remains unfazed, flipping briskets with his hoof and blissfully ignoring the existential nightmare he has created. Time will tell if the restaurant remains sustainable—or if Clarence will one day glance at the menu and realize the stakes (and the steaks) were always higher than he thought.